Work/Life balance is a common desire in the lives of busy professionals. All too often, we feel our job is the cause of the imbalance between our work and our home life. But the reality is our own behaviors are causing the imbalance. It’s not the job’s fault. Which is good news, since it means fixing the problem is within our control. One of my favorite techniques to move in the direction of more balance is to do what I call, “Win the Return.”
The return is the first step taken into the house after returning from work or anywhere else for that matter. If we watch a dog react to their owner coming home, we can see the importance of the return.
When I was a kid, every afternoon when dad returned from work, the dog could hear his truck gear down as it came over the hill and got ready to turn into our driveway. The dog jumped up, tail wagging, and ran to the front door where she jumped up and down until it opened. When dad walked in, the dog was all over him, jumping, licking and so excited to see him. Once the greeting was made, the dog would return to what she was doing.
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This is not limited to dogs, as the same phenomenon occurs with people too. My wife and I take care of our grandkids two days a week. When their mom comes through the door to pick them up at the end of the day, they stop what they are doing and run to the door to greet her. They make their reacquaintance with hugs and kisses, they might tell her something that they did that today, and then the kids go back to what they are doing.
This initial reacquaintance is very important to relationships. It only lasts for the first few minutes upon arrival home. If a busy professional walks in the door, and the kids run to greet her, but instead of going through a greeting ritual she says, “just a minute, I need to make a quick phone call.” After ducking into the office for five minutes to make the call, she comes back out of the office to find that everyone has gone back to business as usual and they are no longer seeking hugs and kisses, they have their own things to do also. The moment was missed.
Don’t miss this important opportunity to reconnect
DO NOT MISS THIS MOMENT! Skipping this reconnection is announcing to the family that work is far more important than they are. Thoughts like “daddy works too much,” “mommy’s always in her office,” and “my parents never have time for me,” are what runs through the minds of the people we push away to make that “important” call.
If we stop working the first fifteen minutes we get home, our family will feel like they mean something to us. This moment will not take all night, that’s why it is called a moment. If the call was not urgent enough to pull the car over before reaching home, then it can wait another fifteen minutes while you reconnect with your family. In the first fifteen minutes after you arrive home, your family feels loved and important in your life, then as they go back to normal mode, you can make your call.
Greet the returner at the door
When my wife hears the garage door open and my car pull in, she drops what she is doing and goes to the door to greet me with a hug and a kiss the moment I step into the house. This action makes me feel loved and appreciated.
After I retired, I made an effort to do the same. When my wife returns from whatever errand she was running, when I hear the garage door open, I drop what I’m doing and greet her as she comes back into the house. If I am doing something noisy and don’t hear her return, she seeks me out for a hug and kiss.
This is such a simple thing to do and reaps great rewards. It signals to the other person that you value them, they are an important part of your life, and you are glad they are back home.
Remove obstacles
If you are in the habit of carrying something in with you when you return home, what do you usually do with what you carry? Do you say, “just a minute, let me put this stuff in the office.” If you do, then you will miss the return.
Put something near the door that allows you to set down the work and concentrate on your family. Then after the return moment has passed, you can pick up the stuff and take it to your office. It can wait for you on a little table, bench, or even on the floor, just as well as waiting for you in the office.
If you walk into the door and say, “just a minute while I wash my hands.” Then you will miss the moment. If you need to wash your hands, do it as you leave work, not as you enter the house. Or keep something in the car to clean your hands before you come into the house.
Remove any obstacle that interferes with winning the return.
Talk about their day
When you come through the door, stop the hustle and bustle of your work life and reconnect with your family. Ask them what they did today, how their day was, or what exciting thing happened today and let them talk. Don’t offer anything about your day unless they ask.
This is not the time to start a conversation about how bad your day was. This is a time to reconnect. It is useless to compete with your spouse for who had the worst day. Leave your workday at work and for the next few minutes, be happy to be home.
This changes perceptions
When you win the return, you change the perception your family has about your work. Work is no longer the most important thing in your life, they are. Ignoring them at this moment is very costly. They don’t feel loved, or respected, or even on your list of priorities.
What perception do you want your family to have of their position in your hierarchy of activities? When I ask people how they rank their priorities, often I hear God, then family, then work, in that order. Winning the return makes families feel they do rank higher than work.
When we do not take advantage of this moment but instead run to the office to make that “important” phone call, they feel work is a higher priority than family. They weren’t even worth five minutes of your time, and perhaps you didn’t even miss them while you were gone.
Check your hobbies
It is important to have hobbies to keep you from burning out, but they should not trump your family time. You can’t run into the house, bypassing your family as you run to the bedroom to make a quick change of clothes, so you are not late for your squash game.
Letting your hobby blow this moment has the same effect as letting your work blow this moment. Put winning the return on your schedule just the same as you would put a squash game on the schedule. Make time for it to happen.
Take a hard look at how you treat your return home. Do you stop what you are doing and make sure your family feels loved and honored? Do they feel like they are a priority in your life? Or do you push them away to do something else first and then look for them later to reconnect, but find they have already moved on?
Make this a reciprocal event. When you are already home and the kids return from school, playing with a friend, music lessons, or visiting their grandparents, make the effort to greet them and welcome them back home and into your life. Let them know they were missed.
If you blow this moment, it’s not the job’s fault, thus, you have the power to improve it. Make a habit of winning the return and your family will feel closer to you and your life will feel much more balanced because of the connection this makes. This moment is totally in your control.
If you want more ideas as to how to keep your life in balance and have more joy, pick up a copy of my new book, The Doctors Guide to Finding Joy in Your Work and start down a purposeful path of increasing the level of joy in your life.
As always, such great spot on advice. “Win the Return” is within our grasp. Thanks!