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Physicians are in a constant battle to improve life at home. We work at a job that can consume all our time, since there is no end to patients that can use our help. Yet our families need our time as well.
I recently had breakfast with a group of men who wish to become a better version of themselves. We were conversing about our families when one man shared a story of the time his son made a comment that led him to realize he was neglecting his family.
This opened a discussion about times our families have revealed areas we needed to improve upon. I began to recall similar stories in my life. I’d like to share a few of the stories we discussed that morning in hopes they will spark memories of times you realized you fell short. Hopefully you will be inspired to do better. Each story is paraphrased, to the best of my recollection, from the perspective of the father or husband who shared.
The bus stop
My son and I were walking to the school bus stop on his first day of school. I had told him I was going to walk him to the bus stop every morning before going to work. That first morning, as we approached our destination, I asked him what he was most looking forward to this year in school.
His answer to this seemingly innocuous question shocked me. He told me he was looking forward to spending 15 minutes with me every day as we walked to the bus stop. When I asked for clarification, he said this is the only time he gets to spend time alone with me.
As I walked back home after the bus took him away, I pondered his answer. It seems I was so busy working that we never spent any one-on-one time together. I had no idea my schedule was so busy that he felt neglected. It made me find ways to spend more time together.
The fort
My wife was going away to a woman’s retreat for the weekend. I had the weekend off and for the first time, I was going to spend an entire weekend alone with my kids. At the time, they were about four and six years old.
With this great opportunity to have a weekend off work and at home, I made a long list of projects around the house I wanted to catch up on.
Just after my wife kissed us all goodbye and drove away, one of the kids said, “Dad, can we use that pile of wood on the back deck to build a fort?”
I thought about his request, and I looked longingly at my to-do list. Realizing we had never had a father son weekend before, I set aside my to-do list and we built a fort.
That fort made memories for many years. Had I put too much weight on the value of my to-do list, this great father/son weekend might never have happened.
The phone game
One evening when we were all in the living room, I asked my kids a simple question to help make me a better father. I asked, “What is one thing you wish I would do differently?”
There was a short pause as I suppose each of them had something to say but was afraid to respond. The first brave one finally spoke up and said, “Dad, I wish you would stop playing that game on your phone.”
I asked why the game bothered him and his answer was eye opening. He told me I was not really with them when I was playing the game, even though we were sitting in the same room. We might be watching a movie together, but instead of watching, I was busy playing on my phone. I made the kids feel like the activity “we were doing together” was imposing on time with my game.
I thought about their answer for a while and concluded I was way too engrossed, maybe even addicted, to a game that had no redeeming value. No silly little game should be granted such power in my life, especially since my job limited the time I could spend with my family.
I made the decision that day to delete the game app from my phone and I have never played a game like that since. My family time is more important than a game I play alone on my phone.
Front yard soccer
My kids loved playing soccer when they were young. Like the good dad I thought I was, I went out in the yard and played soccer with them, hoping to improve their skills.
One day, while out in the yard, one of my kids said he wished I would play soccer with them. I didn’t understand what he meant, as we were presently playing soccer.
He said, “You are not playing soccer with us. You are in the yard looking at the weeds that need pulling, the bushes that need trimming, and that branch on the tree that should be removed. You kick the ball now and then, but your mind is not on playing soccer with us. I want all of you to play with us, not just your feet.”
He was right. I was looking at everything in the yard I needed to do. I had no idea he could tell my head was not in the game. I didn’t think he was old enough to be so smart. From then on, I tried to be wholly present with them when we did something together. They often reminded me I was not always successful.
You’re doing too much
One day my wife told me I had too many commitments outside of my job. I was not home enough, and it was time I stopped blaming my job for keeping me away from the family.
Of course, I said, “I am not doing too much.” Guys, when your wife says you are doing too much, she is always right. She should be the judge, not you.
She asked me to make a list of everything I was doing outside of my actual job. When we finished the list, I couldn’t believe how long it was. I was the president of this, the treasurer of that, on several boards…. I took a long look at the list and turned to my wife and said, “I am doing too much.”
I was not willing to quit anything I was already committed to. I agreed that every time my term ended, I would walk away and not replace it with another commitment. I thought I was so important to all those organizations, and they would suffer if I quit. And I was not a quitter.
A few years later, we had a family health problem that required me to drop everything I was doing immediately, including work, for a month. I discovered that every one of those organizations that I bowed out of suddenly, including my job, went on just fine without me. I was not as indispensable as I thought I was.
How about you? Did any of these stories spark a memory of a time your family told you they needed more of your time? Did you respond by giving them time, or did you tell them what you were doing was very important and they just needed to understand that you could not be home as much as they wanted? I hope you have learned from these examples that we can all do better at giving our family time, if we pay attention to what they say.
